First time for everything

As said in title there are first times for everything...So had many first's happening this month. First time rode scotter..first time to office leaving kids home with maid...first time to petrol bunk to fill the said scooter.. and lastly first time kids are going to grandparents house with me left behind... first time of sleeping without kids and that too for one full month. It kills me now itself. Need to bury myself in the new job but even then there will be weekends..nights. I came back to work stating that tomorrow kids will be off to college, work and at that time I don't want to cling to them. But they leaving happened now itself, so have to see what my life will be without them.
It always like this with me...I want two contradicting things at the same time. Like I want my hubs and my parents and like now when I want to work and also kids at home. One part says I have to strap up and be a working lady and not pin for my kids and the other part is lets quit now and go with them.

Contraceptives

Contraception....it's the next hushed up topic after sex. But thanks to today's media, t.v., Internet...sex has become an overrated topic. But the same media seems to have forgotten to hype up the contraceptives too.. Anyway...
During college days after reading too many Sidney Sheldon's n jack Collins.. I used to pride myself with my 'sex' knowledge but never knew or aware of the c word. After marriage happened was so excited to start family so never cared for c word. Within the first year of marriage nunu came along n got busy with baby stuff. Soon after her first bday became Peggy again! This time it was a shocker... Barely was I managing one kid and with that another one! That's when ppl start asking about the c word... Before no one educate you but they somehow except u to be a expert as soon as u start having sex...but I should have learnt it since I am the sufferer.
So anyway after chintu, within a month went back to the doc and checked on the c word options. Since mine was normal delivery doc suggested copper T. She said no side effects n pain free n basically sold it to me. Within year I was having heavy bleedings n bloated body. Rather than doubling my weight during pregnancy I had doubled it after. When I went back, then she says that 'some people' tends to have these effects...
Then I started with OCP pills since going under knife with small kids was not an option for me. When I started pills she said no effects and I can safely take it till I am 35.
It's been two years now...as such no effects, but u read in p papers about it probable link to cancer n that's scares you.

Condoms are out since I can't trust my hubs on this...since if anything goes wrong i will be one to bear it!
Surgeries are out since they are scary.
Now when I ask people for ideas...they give a look saying after two kids why are u still active n start giving advice on absistance

So now at 32 I am waiting for menopause so that I can enjoy my s life!

Its not fair

The constant thing that goes on my mind nowadays is 'Its not fair'. The life seems to be testing me on how far down can I go, like a never ending stress test. The life problems seems to be like moving from the scale of bad to worse, worst n so n so. The best part is that all the people surrounding having the same shittier way-of-life. But still that cant seem to console me and I keep thinking that 'its not fair' and tire myself everyday thinking about what can be done to make it better rather that accepting my fate. Is that stupidity or perseverance?

What is normal behavior?

I always thought that life gets better as we age..there will stronger relationships, better understanding, lesser problems and so n so. But from what I actually come across is that, it is a fairy tale thinking. In real there is no respite from problems and relationships are as fragile as it was before and lets not start on understanding. But that's how things are and nothing about that we can change. But how one reacts to this and how one handles is the question. Each one has there own way of handling problems and solving them, and you solve one 5 more will prop up also. There is no right  or wrong way in handling these, it all depends on whose judging.

So coming back, what decides something as normal way of handling and something as abnormal. We as humans are emotional, and each ones EQ are different. Jealousy, anger, lust, love are all normal emotions and I would categorize 'socially retarded', 'introvert', 'extrovert' all as normal. So when you term as person who is sociable on a one-to-one basis and a silent spectator in a group as abnormal behavior...something doesn't settle.

SAHM

Somehow all think that since I am at home...I will be idling away. And they take it into their head to assign work. Its not fair!! I think my life was more relaxed when I was working professional...the days I worked endlessly...till wee hours of morning..living on just coffee...seems to be a relaxed one. Raising kids cause more emotional exhaustion than a physical one. I wont have kept my house so tidier if I have to leave office in the morning...there are some many things I would postpone to weekends if I work, but since I am at home and some task is in front of me.. I tend to do it now than wait for weekends.

TV is something which is turned on when kids eat or when I want them to sit in one place...If I watch something for myself..it will turn into a war zone and whats fun in that TV watching.

If thats the case for TV.. I am not even thinking about movies..unless I want to stay up all night to watch it and end up screwing my next day all together. No I dont think there is any recent movie that is worth that much.

See after kids happen, I cant sleep in...cos there are some many things that needs to be done. So now even weekends doesnt seems to be different, rather it becomes even more hectic since I have to become a referee between my kids and hubs.

So its not fair on people when they come and tell me to pursue something by being at home. I tried that..but it gives hectic day a new meaning...I have a HUGE respect for people who manage that of being at home, managing kids and managing work. Seriously. See when you have kids and you decide to sit at home, it means your financial status is not so desperate. So in that case, if you take up HUGE task of 'working for home' with no support, plus add in the 'in-laws' part with no support for your better half,... I think it requires very BIG returns other than that BIG paycheck.

My mom asked why you cant be like us, be a SHAM and be happy with it. She did it because all her friends did that & there was no peer pressure.

But at the end of the day...with so much pressure of quantifying your day into worthwhile tasks( see washing clothes..feeding kids.. is all not quantifiable) you end up looking for putting your heart on the cutting block again and try to get some work which pays and which quantifies your day

Thought...

Somehow I always thought that as life moves forward, it will become better..lesser problem...more living your dream...somehow it will be more bearable. But I am still waiting for it happen. As of now its going like bad to worse and keeps getting worse. The saying is that 'it will get worse before getting better' but seriously how far more!!??

Life so far...

Its been quite sometime since I wrote here...for that matter long time since I wrote in any diary. The reason being that it was a writers block! This is not an ordinary writers block which usually happens to a professional writers... no sir this is actually the block which is self imposed when you don't want to come in terms with what you actually feel. After I became a mom there was so many emotions that was going thru in my mind...on top that I became mom again and that too in a very close gap. It was all too much...and I felt that if I put all the emotions in words they will become a permanent feature. I was not ready to accept and understand my emotions. It was more like I was bottling up and was afraid to encounter them. End result I became a emotional freak. When the pressure of bottling reached high I would burst like a firecracker...and that kind of out burst was not understood by any and it ended up me getting labelled as a emotional unstable person. I know I should I kept a way to out pour my emotions no matter what they were instead of bottling them...but!

But what is the use of outpouring the thoughts/emotions when that's not going to solve anything!?

Anyways that's what it was which stopped my from writing...but now I want to start it up again..for good or for bad..

So where I am right now... mom of 2 kids...5yr and 3 yrs ones... They are all for me as of now. A SAHM full time who is not interested in doing anything worthwhile(as my hubs put it) Though I don't want to be that...!Everyday think of starting some thing and ends up giving it since anyway I will be back to square one cos somebody have to stay back and look after the kids.